There were so many times when I thought about telling someone, but it was just like, how do you bring it up? How do you just walk into a room and say to someone, ‘oh by the way, this happened‘?

Victim Survivor talking to Making Noise: Children’s Voices for Positive Change after Sexual Abuse (2017)

The Centre of Expertise on Child Sexual Abuse (CSA) makes it clear that during the first conversation with a child, young person or vulnerable adult, your primary concern must be to ensure their safety and wellbeing. However, it is perfectly normal and natural to feel overwhelmed and maybe even confused by the information you receive. To help you overcome these feelings, you need to be knowledgeable of, and confident in the procedures your Religious Life Group has in place to help you know how to conduct yourself if you find yourself in the trusted position of receiving a disclosure of abuse. Try to remember that it will have taken the person a huge amount of courage to talk to you and your first step is simply to listen…

Active Listening

• Make ‘gentle’ eye contact. The child, young person or vulnerable adult may not want to make eye contact with you but it is important that they know you are fully focused on what they are saying to you. They need non-verbal signs that you are fully invested in what they are telling you.
• Listen to what is being said without displaying any signs of shock or disbelief. Any expression of shock, disgust or disbelief could lead to the person not continuing with their disclosure. However difficult, it is also important not to show any signs that you are upset at what you are hearing as this could also lead to the disclosure not continuing as the child, young person or vulnerable adult may feel that they are responsible for upsetting you and decide to stop.
• Accept what is being said without judgement and ensure the person knows that you are taking the disclosure seriously. You can say something reassuring such as, ‘I am listening and taking everything you are saying seriously. You are doing the right thing by talking to me even though I know this must be very difficult for you.’
• Reassure the child, young person or vulnerable adult that you will do whatever you can to help them now but do not make promises you cannot keep, such as, ‘Everything will be alright now.’
• Ensure the child, young person or vulnerable adult knows that there might be aspects of the conversation that you have to share and that you cannot guarantee total confidentiality. This can often be the most difficult part of the conversation and has to be handled very gently indeed. Reassure the person that you will only tell the people that really need to know in order to try and keep the person safe and look after their wellbeing. If the person is adamant that they will not tell you if you can’t keep it a secret, try and reassure them again that their welfare will be at the centre of all decision making and that whenever they can be consulted and their opinion gathered, this will happen. It is likely that part of the abuse the victim survivor has experienced will involve them being controlled by another person so the feeling of losing control over what happens when they make a disclosure will be a very real fear for the person. If the person decides not to disclose at the time they first speak to you, make a firm arrangement to meet them again so that they can have some time to think about things and come back to you.
• Seek the person’s wishes about what they would like to happen next but be very clear that there will be certain steps that you have to take in terms of your safeguarding duties.
• Ending the conversation can be very difficult, especially when a child, young person or vulnerable adult is talking about intimate experiences of abuse. It is important to end the conversation in a way that lets them know they can come back to you, such as by saying:
  • “I am going to do X know, we will talk again, and you can come back to me whenever I am around. If I am not around, you can talk to Y or you can let Y know that you need me to contact you.”
  • “It is right that you have spoken to me – I will do what I can to help you and I am going to do X right now. Let’s meet again on Z if you would like to and I can let you know what I have done and what is happening next.”
• Ensure you follow up on the meeting, even if it is just to ensure the person knows that you are thinking of them – this could encourage them to communicate with you further.

Reflection Point

Empathy is a way of connecting with others and shows them you know they’re experiencing something – even if you don’t know exactly how it feels to them. Empathy says: “I want you to know you’re not alone and I want to understand how this feels to you.”

Initial Reactions and Responses

• Do not assume anything. Do not speculate or jump to conclusions.
• Let the child, young person or vulnerable adult guide the pace.
• Do not investigate, interrogate or try to decide if the person is telling the truth. Do not ask any leading questions as this could jeopardise a criminal investigation in the future. Let the person explain in their own words and in their own time.
• If needed for clarification, you can ask ‘what, when, who, where’ questions and ask if there is anything else the person wants to tell you but careful attention should be paid to the child, young person or vulnerable adult to ensure these questions are appropriate and not causing distress. Once clarification is achieved, no further questions should be asked.
• If the person’s words are unintelligible or ambiguous, gently ask them to clarify but do not guess what they are trying to say. You can say things like, “I think I may have got muddled up, please could you try and tell me again so that I understand.”
• Do not ask the child, young person or vulnerable adult to repeat what they have told you to another person. They chose to tell you because they trust you. You can relay relevant information yourself to the appropriate person.
• Give the person space to express any anger they may have against their faith.