All Victims and Survivors of abuse should be sign-posted to professional support from specialist counsellors. It is particularly important that if a child discloses abuse and the abuse is current or recent, you ensure they have access to the correct support. It is unlikely that you will have the correct knowledge to provide counselling support beyond the initial disclosure. However, the person has trusted you enough to confide in you and they may want continued support from you as well as specialist counselling. The RLSS can help with supporting victims and survivors and also signposting to the correct specialist support.

The advice below is intended to help you understand and respond in the best possible way if you are chosen as a trusted adult by a victim or survivor. It is not intended to replace professional counselling, therapy or support.

Do everything you can to understand what is being brought to you

When you experience trauma, especially over and over again, you can get “stuck” in survival mode. It can be hard to feel safe. You may feel out of control or that life is out of control. It can be hard to trust people or get close to people. You may get into a lot of conflict and drama with the people around you. You can also start feeling like nobody cares about you.

It is vital to hold in mind that every person’s experience is unique and it is respectful and right to never assume there are ‘typical’ victims or survivors or ‘typical’ trauma related to experiences of abuse. However, Sue Cox from Survivors Voice Europe was involved in a collaborative project with SMART-UK where they explored and researched the neuro-biology of childhood trauma and found that there were a number of key experiences that were common to many victims and survivors of abuse. These include but are most certainly not limited to:

* Fear of the dark
* Fear of intimacy
* Fear of sexuality
* Feeling alone-rejected
* Fear of change
* Fear of doctors, priests, authority, that list is endless
* Panic attacks
* Body Dysmorphia
* Addictions
* Physical pain
* Obsessive / Compulsive issues
* Self harm
* Eating disorders
* Deeply damaged trust mechanisms
* Suicidal tendencies

Anger, shame, guilt, loneliness, isolation, unworthiness, poor coping mechanisms, inability to self nurture, flashbacks etc. etc. this list could go on and on. And when the abuser is a trusted person, then the effects are further compounded.

Shock-disclosure in later life can be as raw as when it happened and many victims and survivors may have attempted to disclose previously and may have been shut down or felt unheard and unsupported.

Do everything you can to respond respectfully, appropriately and with empathy

You may have to respond to anger…

Some people may seem hostile, irritable or downright angry. There may be a variety of reasons; most commonly being harmed as a child and badly let down. Remember, anger can also be a sign that a person is fearful. ​

Research shows that after a child has been abused, hostility is a defence mechanism. It is better to acknowledge anger than avoid it.

Expression of ‘appropriate’ anger is a healthy, necessary and integral part of the process of dealing with trauma. The person has a right to feel and express anger about the abuse, towards the abuser and about other injustices in life. Anger can be a self-assertive expression of the person’s feelings that the abuse was not deserved.

You can help by normalising and supporting; help the person to understand that expression of anger is a healthy and natural response to everything they have experienced and endured.

A person may be very tearful and emotional…

Don’t assume someone needs to stop because they are crying. Ask if they are ok to continue. Allow the person to assume control. ​ You may experience feelings of ‘awkwardness’ at not being able to comfort the person but all you need to do is allow them time and space to express their feelings in the best way for them.

A person may appear ’emotionless’ and be very quiet…

It is easy to assume that if a person is not showing external signs of distress, that everything is OK. A victim or survivor may have spent many years trying to hide their true emotions; just because they might be talking to you in a very quiet or measured tone does not mean that they are not feeling immense emotions within. It is very important to allow the person time and periods of silence so that they know they have all the space they need to gather their thoughts and express themselves in whichever way is best for them.

It may also be the case that the victim or survivor has lost their sense of self. In clinical experience, adult survivors often describe themselves as feeling empty, going through the motions of life, of feeling nothing, of being unable to connect with reality in a meaningful way, and of being unable to experience their emotions. They have defended themselves from the abuse and the aftermath of the abuse, and paid a large price for it. As adults, they often find it difficult to reconnect with their feelings and experiences, and need help in developing a cohesive and stable sense of identity and self-esteem.

You can support, by being the person who listens, understands, respects and values the victim or survivor and this will help in them slowly developing a feeling of being worthy and deserving of such a relationship. You can be the person to show unconditional acceptance and empathy and this can help to facilitate the person’s own self-acceptance and self-compassion.